Ghostbuster Don
Extreme Ghostbuster
The Ectozone's Token Republican
Busty Japanese High School Girls Are Nice.
Posts: 44
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Post by Ghostbuster Don on Jan 20, 2006 18:58:09 GMT -4
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Post by Kingpin on Jan 20, 2006 19:49:35 GMT -4
Heh heh, I see we have a certain 'retconned' redhead. Interesting so far... I assume you'll be continuing it? It'll be a whole different story as she won't have a radio that will allow the guys to get into contact with her... and no Proton Packs to help break through to the portal in the Peoplebuster Containment Unit. Just a few mistakes I noticed. The correct phrase should be: "too bad they're so short" The correct word is: "herself" I assume you meant: "out of the ordinary" Well, true, I don't suppose it would be too bad... but tornados aren't common in New York, as it's not in 'Tornado Alley'. A weather formation occuring in an area it's not known to usually occur in would be a sign to be concerned about. A few tips/suggestions: Don't feel pressured to use terms like 'caucasian' and 'african american'. Black and white are/should still be perfectly acceptable terms... The characterisation seems a little off... would I be right in assuming that English is your first language? I suppose it can be fixed a little, Janine would most likely quipp: "Typical, my first decent lunch break in months and the paranormal has to find me." But then, those are just suggestions. Looking forward to the continuation, if you do so. Reminds me to try get back to the Apocrypha stories... and get the RGB: Apochrypha version of Flip Side done...
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Ghostbuster Don
Extreme Ghostbuster
The Ectozone's Token Republican
Busty Japanese High School Girls Are Nice.
Posts: 44
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Post by Ghostbuster Don on Jan 20, 2006 20:48:38 GMT -4
I suppose it can be fixed a little, Janine would most likely quipp: "Typical, my first decent lunch break in months and the paranormal has to find me." I'm saving something like that for the beginning of chapter 2 actually.
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CJ
Doberman
Doom Patrol...Yeah you heard right
Posts: 99
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Post by CJ on Jan 20, 2006 21:43:32 GMT -4
As Raysfriend fond of saying:
"Good job! Keep it ip!"
Really, I thoroughly enjoyed this peice and hope to read the next installment.
Ben took took all the critiquing, so this is the best I can do : )
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